Smiler

Having a newborn can be hard going. It can be repetitive, too. You wake up at some point in the morning, feed your baby, change them, talk with them and lull them to sleep. After a few hours they wake and everything repeats. Sometimes in between they cry and sometimes you're not sure why and can't always calm them down. You may wake up in the early hours of the morning to the sound of your child's upset, and you may be lucky enough to be able to get them back to sleep. Or you may not.

And the thing is, babies are helpless. Like, they would die if their parents weren't around. They can't so a single thing for themselves, and totally rely on their mums and dads to deal with their every need. And there's little in the way of thanks. You don't get a, "Cheers, Dad!" from your three week old, or, "Mam, thanks ever so much for feeding me just then!" You don't get a card, or a present. In fact, you don't even get a cuddle as thanks, because every cuddle you have with your newborn is for their own comfort, not yours.

So, like I said, it can be hard going.

Until they smile.

Ellis has been smiling in his sleep for a few weeks now, but until the past few days, they've been reserved for slumber only. Recently he's become much more engaging with my wife and I. Now when we hold him and talk to him, he really studies our faces. He stops and watches, taking in every word we say, despite the fact that he has no idea what we're talking about. He follows us with his eyes, turning his head to keep watching. The other morning, after a feed, I held him in my hands and began talking to him. What a damn handsome baby, I thought, so I decided to tell him. And as I repeated over and over what a handsome man he was, his mouth, usually reserved for neutral or upset expressions, curled upwards at the sides. His lips parted and there, in front of my eyes, was the biggest smile I had ever seen. In that moment I felt a love like I have never felt before. Every sleepless night, every fussy moment, every nappy change and every frustrating upset was now worth it, because with that smile he told me that he loved me, and appreciated everything my wife and I have done for him.

The smile soon faded and despite every attempt to bring it back, I couldn't. But the following day he did the same, and the day after that, and so on. He's smiling multiple times a day now, for all sorts of reasons, and it's the best reward I could ask for.

Don't get me wrong, I could go my whole life without a smile from him, and despite how difficult it can be, I'd still love every minute of being his father. But now that I've had something in return, I can't wait for even more, and my days count down towards every smile.

Kael.